Talking to Myself

Kronk listening to himself instead of talking to himself...as it were...

In high school, my thoughts were profoundly impacted by the following statement by Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones: 

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are
listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?  (Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cures)

My mind has a mind of its own, and in the blink of an eye can send me on wild what-ifs that cause my worry to spiral out of control.  Lloyd-Jones’ advice to say “Self, listen for a moment,” has helped me to fight off anxiety more times than I can count.   No matter what whirlwind of emotion I am in, there is unchanging, unmoving truth and reality waiting for me outside, untouched by the storm in my mind and heart.   I have to remind myself of this often.  Thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit, who brings that truth to the front of my mind; and I married a wonderful man who will do the talking when I just can’t stop listening to myself.  

I say all that to let you know that when we have specific news about our son to share, we will post the link to the blog on Facebook.  However, in between those times, I’d like to use this blog to talk to myself, to bring to mind what I know to be true, regardless of whether or not that is what I am feeling.  Feel free to listen in by following the blog or by looking it up from time to time, though I am sure that I have nothing new or incredibly deep to add to the conglomeration of wisdom and knowledge that is the internet (indeed, I have avoided blogging because I feel so pretentious thinking that people should read what I have to say…). Please also don’t assume that deep, true posts mean that I am an amazing, spiritual person.  On the contrary, it probably means that my self needed quite a sermon!   

In a few weeks we will begin meeting with new doctors at the hospital where we plan to deliver.  As we learn more about what to expect, we will let you know.  On a fun note, though, Arthur looked right at me on the sonogram the other day!  His little face is pretty cute :)

The New Name, part 2

Agnus Dei, Francisco de Zurbaran

As soon as we found out that our child was actually a boy, we knew that we wanted the name Isaac for him.  It works on so many levels.

First, Isaac means laughter in Hebrew.  In the story of his conception and birth, Sarah, Abraham's wife, laughs when God tells her that she is going to have a child.  We laughed when we found out that we were expecting this little one, and then we laughed again when we found out that he is a boy and not a girl!

There is a more profound connection for us, though.  One of the most compelling stories in the Old Testament is found in Genesis 22, when God says to Abraham, "'Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you.'" (Gen 22:2)

God wanted to test just how much Abraham loved and trusted Him, and the way He chose to do this was to ask Abraham to give up the son he had longed for and waited for for decades.  If Abraham truly loved and trusted his God as he said he did, he would not withhold anything, even Isaac, from God.

As we consider the very real possibility of saying goodbye to our son, this story has greatly resonated with us.  We say we love and trust God, yet we find ourselves wanting to cling to something He may ask us to let go of.  We are continually having to grapple with our hearts to find what we are loving the most; is it God or is it something else: our child, our happiness, our picture-perfect family?

Abraham obeyed God in faith, as we are told later in Hebrews: "By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was offering up his only begotten son;" (Hebrews 11:17)  But, if you are familiar with this story, you know that although Abraham was fully willing to go through with what God had asked, God stopped him before Isaac was harmed.  "He said, 'Do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.'" (Genesis 22:12)  Then, in a beautiful picture of what was to come, God provided a ram for Abraham to sacrifice in Isaac's place.

Theologians might consider this the most important part of the story.  In one way, this substitute can be seen as a representation or allegory of Jesus, who died in our place just as that ram died instead of Isaac.  How thankful we are for His sacrifice on our behalf, so that we do not have to bear the punishment for our sins!

In another way, though, God sending this substitute sacrifice stands in stark contrast to Jesus. That ram saved Isaac, Abraham's beloved and only son, from death; but when God sent His beloved and only Son, nothing saved Him from death.  God spared Abraham the pain and grief of actually sacrificing Isaac, as well as sparing Isaac's life.  He did not spare Himself the same pain and grief, nor did He spare His own Son's life.  Jesus actually suffered and died.  There was no voice from heaven saying "Stop!" when He was on the cross.

As amazed and even flabbergasted as we are at Abraham's love for God that drove him to be willing to sacrifice his only son, we have become even more amazed at God's love that drove Him not only to be willing to sacrifice His only Son, but to actually do so.  While we are praying that our Isaac might be saved just like his namesake, we understand that God is asking no more of us than He has asked and given of Himself.  Sometimes I think there is a temptation to think of God as above human emotion, but perhaps He gave us this picture of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22 to help us grasp, at some level, just how much His love for us cost Him.  Through Abraham's experience, we can begin to comprehend the pain and grief God must have felt when He chose to offer us salvation through the death of His Son, His only Son, whom He loves.

The New Name, part 1

Aubrey Beardsley, Excalibur in the Lake

We've picked a name for our baby boy!  Arthur Isaac Ramos.  Kind of a big, meaningful handle for the little guy, so let me explain.

If you are familiar at all with English legend, you have heard of King Arthur.  (You know, the Sword in the Stone, Camelot, Monty Python and the Holy Grail...)  In college, I was able to take a colloquium where we read and discussed more than a dozen versions of the Arthur myth.  If you don't know much about Arthur, allow me to fill you in.

While the many retellings of the story of King Arthur vary, there are some elements that appear in many of the legends.  (Dr. Myers will have to forgive me for the oversimplifications that follow!)  Arthur was the son of a powerful ruler and inherited his father's domain.  He set out to make his kingdom, Camelot, one where right and justice prevailed.  He and his knights fought and quested to this end, and for some time, Camelot was a wonderful place to be.  However, Arthur's queen and his best friend committed adultery together and his son decided to try to take over the kingdom.  Arthur died in the ensuing battle, and with him, the dream of Camelot.

As you can see, Camelot fits in with the great literary (and historical) theme of mankind striving to create a perfect kingdom or society.  I am sure you can think of other stories centered around the same concept.  As you think of those stories, though, you may recognize a common thread: the perfect society never really works out.  Arthur's Camelot is no exception.  The sin that is endemic to our world and to each one of us ruins even the best intentions of the best people. 

Camelot, though, has a hopeful ending (at least in some of the versions).  You see, Arthur is called "The Once and Future King".  Some of the legends end with the promise that one day Arthur will come back and establish Camelot again.

We all long for that perfect world, where justice and right prevail.  Where there is no sickness and death. We search for it, whether in fantasy stories we imagine, governments formed as best we can conceive of, or science and medicine as powerful as our intelligence can give us.  But we never find it.  No amount of imagining, politicking, raising money for a cure, or philosophizing can ever get rid of the tragedy that taints all of human existence.

We have found ourselves especially longing for that world these last 6 weeks.  A world where our little boy would be completely happy and healthy.  A world where we don't have to fear what may happen when he is born.  But that isn't our world.

However, we serve the real Once and Future King, the one Arthur is a picture of.  Our great hope is that He is coming back to rule this world, and that one day we will live in His perfect kingdom and our little Arthur will too.

"There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness from then on and forevermore." (Isaiah 9:7)   "And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." (Revelation 21:4)

Status Update

We wanted to thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, cards, conversations, and visits over the last month!  We have felt your love and support in so many ways.

Several of you have asked how we are really doing.  Spiritually, emotionally, practically.  Thank you so much for caring enough to ask!  We don’t want to give any false impressions through the internet or through brief interactions, and we really appreciate your concern on our behalf.

As we went through the battery of tests and doctor visits, we each had some rough days and nights, usually after another round of bad news (of which there were several).  There were hopes we were holding on to in our hearts that we had to hand to the Lord, one at a time.  On top of that, there was, of course, the reality that I am pregnant, which has the potential to mess with emotions even in the easiest of circumstances.  My husband’s job has been very demanding this month, giving him a level of physical and emotional exhaustion to deal with as well (as if the crying pregnant lady wasn’t enough!).

In spite of the realities of our frailty, though, God truly has been very, very good to us in providing grace and strength sufficient for each day.  Each time we have been at a doctor’s He has given us calmness and clarity of mind so that we can listen, ask questions, and not walk away confused or terribly overwhelmed.  He has allowed the depth of our sorrow to not last too long each time we have come home with more bad news.  He has surrounded us with loving, praying friends and family who have not ceased to let us know how much they care with actions and words.  He has brought Scripture to mind at just the right time.

Practically, we don’t expect any new news for another several weeks, and we feel like we have adjusted to the current situation and prognosis.  That doesn’t mean that we are never sad or worried, but just that right now there is nothing new to be sadder or more worried about.  We know that there will be more emotionally difficult days in the future, but for right now we are resting in God’s perfect peace.  And isn’t right now enough?

You can specifically pray that, as my husband has a few weeks off this summer, we will be able to spend time deepening our spiritual and emotional oneness as we prepare for whatever September/October brings.  Pray that we will continue to be able to live in the beautiful moments that God gives us right now instead of constantly fearing the future.  

More interestingly, we think we have decided on a name for our little fellow, so later this week we will move the blog to a more accurate address and post the link on Facebook. Stay tuned!