If the Lord wills...

 Now that I am pregnant enough that everyone notices and comments, I've encountered a new difficulty: what to say to strangers and acquaintances who start up a friendly conversation about the little person I am expecting.  Right now I am able to answer the first round of questions (due date, sex, name, how far apart from big sister, etc) with a smile.  I hope that this will remain true...after all, these conversations are a sweet reminder that so many people in our community value and celebrate life, even the life of a little one no one has met yet!  Their love deserves to be met with a smile. 


It's the next round of questions and comments, though, that puts me in a quandary.  Will he share a room with his big sister?  They'll be best friends.  Better go buy a double stroller!  There are so many cute little boy clothes these days.

What do I say?  "Well, best case scenario, it will be months before he can wear clothes/sleep at our house/ride in a stroller.  His sister might not even get to meet him.  He may never come home."  Puts a real damper on the conversation, don't you think?

I've realized that, in a subconscious attempt to protect my heart, I've avoided making plans for Arthur.  I hadn't let myself imagine what it would be like to see his big sister hold him.  I haven't bought him any clothes.  I boxed up all the baby paraphernalia this summer.  But the kind questions of others have brought my fears to my attention. It's bittersweet to share in their optimistic hope for Arthur's future and to indulge in a few "plans" for our lives together, but I still can't bring myself to wholeheartedly believe that those plans will come true.  I'm holding on to them very tentatively, knowing that I may never see them come to fruition.

This has made me realize the wisdom of James 4:13-15

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” (NASB)

Christians quote this verse all the time, but I believe that we don't really mean it.  We actually live our lives and talk about them based very much on the presupposition that we know what they will be like tomorrow. When we tack the godly-sounding phrase "Lord willing" onto a plan, it is a plan that is a little "unsure", or one that we recognize as having elements that are fully outside of our control.  We expect the majority of our plans to come about in reality looking mostly like they did in our minds.

When I talk about Arthur, though, I understand this verse much better than I ever have before.  I have no idea what his life will be like from the moment he emerges from my womb.  I am much more aware of the reality that he is just a vapor.  That phrase "If the Lord wills" comes to life when I put it in front of my "plans" for Arthur - plans I really haven't even dared to make.

If the Lord wills, he will live.  I'll take each day of life God gives him as an immeasurable blessing, one I know I can't count on.  

If the Lord wills, he will live and his big sister will move into a toddler bed so that he can have the crib.  

If the Lord wills, he will live and I can push a double stroller.

If the Lord wills, he will live, and he'll wear one of those cute baby newsie hats.

But then I realize how audacious I have been in so many other thoughts and plans.  I don't really grasp the uncertainty that all of life holds.  I take for granted the normalcy that God usually provides.  I'm a planner (just ask my family and friends...) who likes to have her ducks in a row.  Every Sunday I plan out what chores and errands I'll do each day, what we will eat for lunch and dinner each day, and what work I need to accomplish each day.  I keep a myriad of to-do lists: ones for during this naptime, this day, this week, this month, this year, and even beyond.  

Obviously James 4:13-15 does not forbid planning.  In fact, it presupposes that we will plan - even a year or two in advance!  But when I fail to recognize that my plan for dinner tomorrow is just as shaky as my plan for Arthur this Christmas, the next verse in the passage (James 4:16) calls my attitude out for what it is:

But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil.

So, I'm glad that people have asked me about the future so that I can make a few "plans".  It's probably healthy to have become aware of my unwillingness to count on anything being certain in Arthur's future.  I'm also glad that this has helped me understand the fragility of every single one of my plans, the ones that I am "sure" of as well as the ones I haven't been willing to voice because I am so afraid they will never come to pass.

Most of all, I'm thankful that I can rest in the One who knows what my life will be like every day until I die, and whose word endures forever.

"As for man, his days are like grass;

As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.

When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,

And its place acknowledges it no longer.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,

And His righteousness to children's children,

To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them."
Psalm 103:15-18 (NASB)