Waiting

Waiting is quite possibly my least favorite activity.

If you've been more than 40 weeks pregnant before, you know how little fun my current waiting game can be.  I remember waiting tearfully, anxiously, frustratedly for labor to start with my first pregnancy.  There's physical discomfort of the end of pregnancy - the dozens of extra pounds you are lugging around, the sleepless nights, the constant trips to the ladies' room.  There's the wild hormonal ride.  There's the little-kid "I can't wait to hold this baby!" giddiness.  The wild "Oh my gosh, am I really ready to be responsible for another human being and eternal soul?" fear.  The unknowns of labor and delivery, which only seem to grow in complexity as the days inch onward.  Wondering why "everyone else" seems to be able to go into labor just fine and on time.  The logistics of making sure there is nothing you have to do for a couple weeks and then going with life as usual while you wait.  Keeping all your family members and friends on edge.  Having to answer questions about your pregnancy for what seems like the millionth time.

And that's the "fun" of waiting in a perfectly normal pregnancy.

I'm finding that the emotional complexity of my current state of waiting can't really be expressed in words.  All of the above is true this time around just as it was last time.  But then there's guilt for wanting to go into labor.  Fear that an induction will be too much for my son's body to take.  Knowing that I can't convince myself to wait patiently by thinking of the wonderful things that will come at the end of my wait.  It's so much to feel all at once that I feel a little numb.

I think the reason I hate waiting so much is that waiting is the absence of activity.  Waiting is what you do when there is nothing you can do.  Which makes it odd that the first Bible verse with the word "wait" that pops into my head is one where the word is used as a command.  Something to do.

Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14, NAS

Notice the verse doesn't say "Wait for your baby to be born."  Or "Wait to say goodbye to your son."  It says "Wait for the Lord." 

The Hebrew word used for "wait" means to expect.  No matter what happens (or how long it takes to happen!), I can expect the Lord.  I can expect His presence, His love, His grace.

The word "wait" can also carry the sense of enduring or remaining, so there is something for me to do in the meantime.  I don't have to twiddle my thumbs while expecting the Lord.  Enduring is certainly an active endeavor.  To endure takes more effort than most other tasks I can think of.

So, I would greatly appreciate your prayers.  Prayers for my endurance, both physical and emotional.  It's been a long few months, and my endurance is wearing thin.  Pray that I would wait for the Lord, not for any real or imagined events in the future.  Pray for all the logistics that are involved (family and others getting to the hospital, my husband taking off work, planning for after Arthur's birth, etc).

Since my pregnancy is otherwise normal, my doctor would like to wait and see if I'll go into labor spontaneously.  This would be best for me and for Arthur.  If not, we will schedule an induction sometime after this coming weekend. 

Thank you so much for continuing to show us love through your prayers, words, gifts, and service.  Waiting is so much easier when you are not alone!