When the Answer is "No."

Mother and Child, Mary Cassat

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter and I were shopping through the dollar bins at Target and Michael's, looking for fun things to entertain her in the hospital waiting room.  I thought I liked the dollar bins.  My child likes them even more.  Every time we moved forward by a few inches so I could weed through the next bin, something else caught her eye.  "Peas?  Peas?"  "A-luh-luh, peas?"  (Add in a few head tilts and cheesy grins at mom in hopes that the answer will be "yes".)  A fellow shopper thought this was pretty funny.  "She's SO cute!  How do you ever say 'No!' to that?"

I have to admit, the lady has a point.  My grinning, polite, overly verbal toddler is hard to say "no" to.  The adorableness, the intelligence, the persistence, the joy when she gets what she wants...it's the complete package.  So, I don't go around saying "no" to her requests just to say "no".  When I say "no", I have a reason.

Of course, most of my reasons don't compute for her.  She doesn't understand when something may be unsafe.  Unnecessary.  Unhealthy.  Too expensive.  Not a priority right now.  Not the best.  She has to trust that I love her enough to give her any good thing that I have decided is good for her when I decide that it's good for her. 

I've noticed that I'm learning a lot about my spiritual life by parenting a toddler...that must be about the level of my spiritual maturity...  Conversely, my spiritual life makes me much more understanding of my toddler..we are so alike.

Because when I beg God my Father "Please, please?", I have to trust that He loves me even more than I love my daughter.  That He wouldn't be able to say "no" to me unless He had a good reason.  That even though I can't conceive of what His reason might be, there must be one.  It's hard to trust like that!  I find myself in the middle of the life wanting to cry "Please! Please!" louder and louder, just like my daughter in the aisles at Target, my polite requests becoming more and more like a temper tantrum.

Throughout this trial, God has answered my heartfelt cries many times.  He spared us from having to make a decision about how much treatment to pursue with Arthur.  He allowed Arthur to turn head-down.  He has brought financial provision in ways we hadn't imagined.

For the last two weeks, I've been begging "Please, please?" that we wouldn't have to schedule an induction.  The granola girl in me just didn't want to.  The protective mama in me wanted labor to be easy for my baby.  And every inch of me hated the idea of "choosing" when Arthur would be born. 

This week has even been full of full moons, thunderstorms, long walks, and all those other things that are supposed to send overdue women into labor.  But not me.  God has decided to say "No".

For the last couple of days I have wavered between hope that God will say "Yes", anguish that He hasn't said "Yes", and pondering why He might be saying "No".  And I've decided that I just don't know.  But that I DO know that He loves me even more than I love my adorable begging daughter, and He is only saying "No" because He has a good reason to do so.  Maybe I'll know why someday, maybe I won't.

We are going to the hospital tonight to begin the induction process.  I'd be so grateful for your prayers that everything goes smoothly and with as little stress on Arthur and on me as possible.  Please pray for our emotional and physical strength throughout the process and for sympathetic and skilled medical staff to be attending us.  We'll let you know how things are going!